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Saturday, October 16, 2010

Sensei,, what should I do?


How can I not feel this loneliness, fear and sense of insecurities that no one seems to understand?

The inner battle within me is fierce, between my ego and right mind. But who knows? Who cares?

Who fucking cares?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

1st day after the truth, sunny

Its the first morning after I saw that post. I woke up with a massive gastric. Just like the times when my grandmother past away. I just realised everytime I have gastric, it is because he made me so sad that it gives my stomach a tornado.

I am much stronger than I thought I will be. Somehow, after seeing that post, besides feeling that real big pinch, there was a sense of relief too. I always tell people around me, when you love someone, your wish is not to be with him or her, but to wish for his or her every happiness. Knowing that he is happy with her, does gives me a sense of relief.

Exactly 3 days ago, I chanted alone at home. For the first time, I broke down and cried in front of the Gohonzon. The first time I cry this hard since Wilson. I told the gohonzon how hard it is for me to go through this alone. I told the Gohonzon how difficult it is for me to watch him with another girl. I told the Gohonzon how much I still love him and miss him. I kept chanting, as tears continuously filled my eyes and roll down my cheeks.

"Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo ..."

I kept chanting. I want the three of us to be happy. A leader told me, for this to happen to him, her and me, it is because we share the same karma. I started taking this seriously, because I do not want to go through any break ups anymore; I don't want to leave the one I love anymore.

Tears keep flooding my eyes. It was extremely difficult for me to chant properly as I was sobbing. I then told myself, I MUST chant for the happiness for the three of us; we MUST all be happy! For the first time, I took up the courage to face this pain.

It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all to chant for the one you love to be happy with another person. But, the only thing that kept me going, is the picture that all three of us are happy, no matter whom we are with. It wasn't easy.

I chanted for 1 whole hour, with tears rolling off my eyes uncontrollably. But deep in my heart, I know these are not all sad tears. Its the tears of hope, the hope for everyone's happiness. One might find this riddiculous to create such delusion. It is not delusion. It is not an excuse to make myself feel better.

Its a genuine wish from deep within my heart. And I know it is only through this Buddhism I am able to do so. It is only through this Buddhism, I am able to chant for everyone's happiness.

I agree with my idol, Miss Seko Ong. "We must not give up simply because sometimes what we reeive is not according to our expectations. We must press on, reflect, take action, review and then move on. .... Remember, when life stagnates, it sickens!"

Time and again, through practicing this Buddhism, I get to see and reveal other's true colour. I am slowly seeing his true colours, and mine too. Not all are pleasant to be accepted, but not all are that bad.

There are so many things I want to say to him. So many. I have even nicely phrase out things that I want him to know. I have even wanted to tell him that I have put in serious thought to marry him. One might say that is a really stupid thought to have on a four months relationship. I say, this is how much I love him.

Don't get me wrong here. There are still many things in my mind that sometimes give me the impulse to just tell him how I feel. But, it is not what I tell him, or what action he takes that matter. It is, in the end, our happiness that matters.

This is rather a long and boring post. But words from my heart. For now, I do not know if I can stop loving him. For now, I still can't see myself being with another guy. Will keep updating, and share all that I learn here. =)

A very beautiful song that speaks part of my heart out.



Jasminekpk

Thursday, August 12, 2010

good bye

Friday, September 4, 2009

funny sh*t


Friday, July 10, 2009

who says we are old and dirty?

who says old and dirty are the only words to discribe beggars?






good sense of humour, arent' they?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Award Winning Shoes

yesh ladies and gentlemen ...


i would like to proudly present


the award winning converse shoes ...



... that won ...






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*drumrolls*



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*drum still rolling*




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*drum rolling on the climax*



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*drum st.. errr ... fuck the drumroll lah*





The Most Creative Design on Samsung Star Search






ze award winning shoes






ze prizes ...






which includes a Samsung U4 ..

2GB USB & MP3 player + radio + voice recording





yes, damn cool






AND





RM 500 cash voucher that can be used at any local converse outlet ..

=(

me no converse friend ... me no speak converse ...





what?

can't get enough of my shoes?

hoho. thought so.












*p/s: i know my shoes are not nice and i'm over rating my shoes. don't even take the trouble to tell me how ugly they are. Peace*

fear

I love listening songs with emotional lyrics
especially break up songs or i miss u songs
i can't help but to feel them
as though i am literally going through the pain as sung by the lyrics


想回到过去,式着抱你在怀里
i wish to go back to the past, and try to hold you back in my arms
(回到过去, by jay chou)

this always reminds me of my 1st breakup
i always blamed myself for not being good enough and made things end
i always hoped to undo some mistakes
i always hoped to go back to the past ..

when did we fall apart, or did you lie from the start
( unbeautiful, by leslie roy)
when i sing these lyrics, they were real!
i am asking you, you and you..!
what did i do? was it me?
if it wasn't me, then please do not ever leave me hanging with this question
"what made me unbeautiful?"

todays the day i pray that we make it through
(fall to pieces, by avril lavigne)
trust me, i do understand the lyrics ..
coz i've been there hunnie ...
the feeling of being helpless was consuming
coz the feeling of your loved one slipping through your fingers no matter how hard u grasp with ur tiny little fingers threw all your courage away ..
yes, i know ...
coz i've been there hunnie

but why?
i have no reason to be in pain
i enjoy my singlehood, i have supportive friends who love me ...
of all emotions, why pain?
of all songs, why sad songs?





it is because i have been through ...
the pain ... how should i even start to pen this down
although i've walked away from the past and left the pain
but the scar remains ..
and it burns once in a while
just to remind you it's existance
just to tell you not to fall on your face
just to keep you away from another scar


so keep singing, emotional songs
so keep burning, permanent scars



jasminekpk