jasminekpk

1st day after the truth, sunny

Its the first morning after I saw that post. I woke up with a massive gastric. Just like the times when my grandmother past away. I just realised everytime I have gastric, it is because he made me so sad that it gives my stomach a tornado.

I am much stronger than I thought I will be. Somehow, after seeing that post, besides feeling that real big pinch, there was a sense of relief too. I always tell people around me, when you love someone, your wish is not to be with him or her, but to wish for his or her every happiness. Knowing that he is happy with her, does gives me a sense of relief.

Exactly 3 days ago, I chanted alone at home. For the first time, I broke down and cried in front of the Gohonzon. The first time I cry this hard since Wilson. I told the gohonzon how hard it is for me to go through this alone. I told the Gohonzon how difficult it is for me to watch him with another girl. I told the Gohonzon how much I still love him and miss him. I kept chanting, as tears continuously filled my eyes and roll down my cheeks.

"Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo ..."

I kept chanting. I want the three of us to be happy. A leader told me, for this to happen to him, her and me, it is because we share the same karma. I started taking this seriously, because I do not want to go through any break ups anymore; I don't want to leave the one I love anymore.

Tears keep flooding my eyes. It was extremely difficult for me to chant properly as I was sobbing. I then told myself, I MUST chant for the happiness for the three of us; we MUST all be happy! For the first time, I took up the courage to face this pain.

It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all to chant for the one you love to be happy with another person. But, the only thing that kept me going, is the picture that all three of us are happy, no matter whom we are with. It wasn't easy.

I chanted for 1 whole hour, with tears rolling off my eyes uncontrollably. But deep in my heart, I know these are not all sad tears. Its the tears of hope, the hope for everyone's happiness. One might find this riddiculous to create such delusion. It is not delusion. It is not an excuse to make myself feel better.

Its a genuine wish from deep within my heart. And I know it is only through this Buddhism I am able to do so. It is only through this Buddhism, I am able to chant for everyone's happiness.

I agree with my idol, Miss Seko Ong. "We must not give up simply because sometimes what we reeive is not according to our expectations. We must press on, reflect, take action, review and then move on. .... Remember, when life stagnates, it sickens!"

Time and again, through practicing this Buddhism, I get to see and reveal other's true colour. I am slowly seeing his true colours, and mine too. Not all are pleasant to be accepted, but not all are that bad.

There are so many things I want to say to him. So many. I have even nicely phrase out things that I want him to know. I have even wanted to tell him that I have put in serious thought to marry him. One might say that is a really stupid thought to have on a four months relationship. I say, this is how much I love him.

Don't get me wrong here. There are still many things in my mind that sometimes give me the impulse to just tell him how I feel. But, it is not what I tell him, or what action he takes that matter. It is, in the end, our happiness that matters.

This is rather a long and boring post. But words from my heart. For now, I do not know if I can stop loving him. For now, I still can't see myself being with another guy. Will keep updating, and share all that I learn here. =)

A very beautiful song that speaks part of my heart out.



Jasminekpk